Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Kitchen Vaudeville - and Other Crooks

Sometimes I wonder that if I were in any way as pretty as Catherine Zeta Jones, I wouldn't have much problem in the kitchen or dealing with men in general. Looking at such beautiful face in the mirror everyday might be enough to tell you that the gods are kind after all. And, for all that beauty promotions in the media, you won't have any difficulty choosing what to put on your face..because... because you are already naturally beautiful. You bun your hair, slip on that kitchen jacket and start working on the sauce. You never had to worry who's going to ask you out for a Saturday night.

Would you have this babe cook for you?

But whether or not you look like Zeta Jones, the kitchen life is full of dramatic incidents- such that your own life is like a vaudeville of flavors, dramas, funny and awkward moments...toss all of these together and there you've got a nice movie stew. Funnier, because you happen to be a woman working with a bunch of unpredictable men- swinging from genial artists to mad scientists doing kitchen experiments in the stock room.

To further illustrate our topic, I am presenting to you the colorful cast:

1. Javert - Four years my senior, he does French- Mediterranean cooking. Has a habit of sleeping in the kitchen office, taking a bath in the sink, and smuggling fancy ingredients home. A true kitchen genius, he has a talent for making women melt in their kitchen clogs. You'd wonder if that was just a natural charm, or if he was charmed by you as well... those stares across the kitchen, those nuzzling on your neck when you are peeling potatoes... Opening the kitchen once, I caught him slouched on the couch in his chef's whites, snoring after a long night of booze- and god knows what else. "I ain't no womanizer! I swear!" - he said, jerking from sleep, and swearing that he looked like a turkey so early in the morning. I nodded. Dangling from his backpack - with his knives- was a lacy red bra. Beware, though, when Javert cooks, you will really levitate.

2. Pablo - Has worked at Portuguese and Chinese kitchens touring all over Asia. A quiet and laid- back guy, he could toss vegetables in a wok which will remind you of Jet Li. Continuously asking for your number from the other cooks, you might mistake him for a stalker- sending you emails that are enough to make you choke on a banana. "I am shaking whenever you walk in the kitchen, chef. I swear. I adore you." He will beat around the bush to get your attention- talking from the perfect Portuguese tarts to yakiniku - the end of all is that he just wants to have a date with you.

3. The Sugar God - A non- cook, but has a great power over our supply chain. Keeps you up late at night talking on the phone, and, if you are not firm enough to keep your guards up, you might book plane tickets and fly to his place the following day. Owning acres of lands, he would talk about how his farmers would smuggle fertilizer in the black market; talks about taxes. When I gave him pain au chocolat once, he put it in the microwave and the chocolate filling splattered all over the machine. "I'm not gonna eat this thing again."

4. Foodhuntress - Main task besides cooking and doing maths, is to be fully composed when steams rise. From mediating between two men about to stab each other (true story, a day ago) to working on the recipe manual, to hiring and firing people, to talking to contractors, to research on market prices for supplies - probably it is because of such busy- ness that she forgets she is in a vaudeville after all.
Status: Currently not dating.
You can walk into a room feeling like a hot babe, and just as you thought that lovely women don't have any difficulty with men, you might think more than twice. Sure, you might not put 100% attention on what you put on your face, but you have to deal with crazier things with those creatures from Mars.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

LOL.. that was very good Foodhuntress.. very entertaining! :-)

Good luck to you in figuring out these creature from Mars. ;-)